O Acaso Não Existe
“Random” does not exist

dolor3Certamente você já viu a Rainha da Mandioca, Mulher-Sapiens, em diversas situações onde a única saída minimamente compreensível seria a internação imediata num manicômio judiciário. As frases ditas por ela estão por toda a parte, sendo a do “cachorro atrás de uma criança”, talvez, a mais famosa e emblemática.
Pois bem agora, o Blog do Lessa, num furo exclusivo de reportagem, descobriu que o destrambelhamento mental da Bonequinha de Luxo tem raizes genéticas. Ex-vizinhos da sua casa, no bairro de São Pedro, em Belo Horizonte, onde Dilma “Devassa” Rousseff viveu na juventude, mantêm vivas até hoje as recordações da chamada “Casa do Piano”. Assim era chamada a casa da ex-presidente da República em exercício. A impressão dos ex-vizinhos era de que progenitora de Dilma “era, em geral, meio tan-tan”. Nota: o Blog do Lessa não pôde verificar essa condição de maneira independente.
Os relatos dão conta de que, durante o dia, a casa permanecia silenciosa. À noite, no entanto, a mãe da Rainha da Mandioca começava a tocar piano — e, segundo os testemunhos, tocava bem, especialmente peças clássicas. O problema é que ela tocava a noite inteira, perturbando o sono dos vizinhos. Daí veio o apelido “Casa do Piano”. Agora, portanto, já se tem uma pista sobre a falta de parafusos na cabeça da chefe interina da Orcrim.

You must have seen several situations where the Cassava Queen, a.k.a. Woman-Sapiens, would only have one way out: immediate admission to a state-controlled mental hospital. All the crazy sentences she has uttered are everywhere — perhaps the most famous and emblematic so far could be the one about “the dog behind the child.”
Well… now The Lessa Blog has discovered and brings the information to you, exclusively, that the “Hepburn from Hell’s” mental screw-ups may have genetic basis. Former neighbors of the home where Dilma “Devassa” Rousseff used to live as a young girl, at the Sao Pedro borough in Belo Horizonte (Minas Gerais state), remember to this day the so-called “Piano House.” That’s how the the former president in exercise’s home was called. The general impression was that Dilma’s mother “had a few screws missing.” It should be noted that The Lessa Blog has not been able to verify that fact independently.
Former neighbors report that during the day, the house was usually silent. At night, however, the Cassava Queen’s mother started to play the piano. According to witnesses, she played it very well, especially classical music. The problem was that she kept playing the whole night long, disturbing the neighbors’ sleep. That’s how the nickname “Piano House” came up. Therefore, now one can have a solid clue about the number of screws missing in Dilma’s head.

Você Não Verá Isso na TV – 1
You Won’t See This on TV – 1

Essa foi a recepção que a Mulher-Sapiens, nome científico de Dilma “Devassa” Rousseff — a.k.a. Bonequinha de Luxo ou Rainha da Mandioca, teve de brasileiros nos Estados Unidos. Claro, as redes de TV aberta não mostraram, mas o Blog do Lessa está aí para preencher esse vazio para você, mantendo-o(a) bem informado(a).

This was the reception that the Woman-Sapiens, scientific name given to Dilma “Devassa”* Rousseff — a.k.a. Hepburn from Hell** or Cassava Queen***, had from Brazilians in the United States. Your TV’s regular programming didn’t show it, of course, but The Lessa Blog is here to fill in the blanks for you, so that you stay on top of what’s happening.

For those outside Brazil not knowing what the hell is going on around the country:
*She has been nicknamed “Devassa” because this is a brand of beer that matches former president Lula’s nickname (“Brahma”) discovered during the Car Wash investigations.
**Hepburn from Hell? This was because she stayed for a couple of nights at a St. Regis hotel suite in NYC for only… 11 thousand dollars a night.
***She has been nicknamed Cassava Queen (and Woman-Sapiens) for her most recent LSD-like statements in front of an audience. You can see two videos about this if you go down the blog’s timeline.

 

É apenas um caso de polícia
It’s just a police case

lavajato

Não se deixe enganar. Não há nada de “político” na Operação Lava-Jato. O caso é de polícia, sem tirar nem por. A esta altura, os três meliantes da foto acima e o resto da quadrilha deveriam estar presos.

Don’t get fooled. There is nothing “political” about the “Car Wash” operation. It is a police case, fair and square. Right now, the three criminals pictured above and the rest of the gang should be in jail.
(Headline under the O Globo photo: “It is necessary to face Car Wash politically, says Lula”)

Pobre Joaquim Levy…
Poor Joaquim Levy…

Vamos retomar os trabalhos no Blog do Lessa com música. Esse vídeo-galhofa sobre as trapalhadas de Joaquim Levy só é menos engraçado do que as trapalhadas que ele mesmo protagoniza, tentando ajudar o desgoverno petralha de Devassa Rousseff, a amiguinha do Brahma.

We resume our work at the Lessa Blog with music. This screwy video about Joaquim Levy’s screw-ups is only less funny than Levy’s  screw-ups themselves, while trying to help Dilma “Devassa” Rousseff’s un-government. As you know, Devassa is Brahma’s closest friend…