Cassava Queen

Petralhas, Quadrilha de Ladrões Escolados
Petralhas, a gang of skilled thieves

A edição desta semana da revista Época reproduz telegramas da embaixada brasileira em Cuba sobre o trabalho de Lula como lobista da Odebrecht. O desgoverno da rainha da Mandioca, é claro, tratou de classificar os telegramas como secretos, engavetando-os por 15 anos. Mas… foi obrigado a enviá-los ao Ministério Público Federal, que investiga o assunto. Um dos telegramas, em particular, revela com clareza como são escolados esses ladrões petralhas. Eles estão sempre à espreita, buscando as formas mais seguras de se manterem à sombra, longe dos holofotes, com o dinheiro roubado fora do alcance das autoridades e de quaisquer investigações. Veja esse telegrama, por exemplo. Ele enfatiza a necessidade de se manter o dinheiro roubado longe dos controles do OFAC — Office of Foreign Assets Control. Esse é um escritório do Departamento do Tesouro dos EUA que não brinca em serviço, como você poderá ver na descrição em inglês mais abaixo, tirada do site do Departamento do Tesouro. Se quiser ler mais a respeito do OFAC (em inglês), clique aqui.

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This week’s issue of “Época” magazine shows telegrams from the Brazilian embassy in Cuba detailing former president Lula da Silva’s work as a lobbyist for Odebrecht. The Cassava Queen un-administration, of course, has classified those telegrams as “secret”, keeping them away from the public eye for fifteen years. However… the un-government has been forced to send them to the Federal Public Prosecutor, that is investigating the subject. One of the telegrams, shown above (in Brazilian Portuguese), clearly reveals how skilled those petralha thieves are. They are always on the lookout, searching  for ways to keep their activities and stolen money securely away from the law. The telegram above, for example, emphasizes the need to keep the stolen money away from OFAC’s interference. The Office of Foreign Assets Control is a branch of the Treasury Department that doesn’t mess around, as you can see from the description taken from the Treasury Department’s site and shown right below the telegram. If you want more information about OFAC, please click here.

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Claudio Lessa em 45 segundos
Claudio Lessa in 45 seconds

In essence, I present the petralha un-government in three acts. First, the gang alleges lack of money and does not pay the first half of the so-called 13th salary to pensioners and retired persons. Second, the Cassava Queen gives 500 million reais (approximately 150 million dollars) to politicians in exchange for their support at this near-impeachment time. Third, while doing everything wrong with the economy, the Woman-Sapiens gang has no shame: starts talking about a new (and dreaded) tax, known in Brazil as CPMF (it collects 0,38% of every bank transaction), expecting to raise some 83 billion reais (approximately 23 billion dollars). As it happened before (this tax has already been repealed once), the money that was supposed to be channeled to the Health Ministry was diverted to pay for everything else but health. No, not again!

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A Discussão do Pós-Mandioca
The post-cassava debate

This video is in Brazilian Portuguese. In essence, I am saying that while everyone knows that the Dilma Rousseff’s un-administration is already dead and buried and the economy is getting worse by the hour, politicians show disregard for the public interest and keep negotiating amongst themselves to maintain their status quo. When they settle everything to protect their interests — and only then, the Cassava Queen will be ejected from the Planalto Palace in a jiffy. But… what about the people? Oh, the people!…

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Inacreditável! Visto em Brasília, D.F.!
Unbelievable! Seen in Brasilia, D.F.!

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É inacreditável ver uma coisa dessas a essa altura, mas o adesivo colado no vidro do carro revela sem sombra de dúvida que Dilma Rousseff, a “Mulher-Sapiens”, “Rainha da Mandioca”, dona de impressionantes 7,7% de apoio popular, está mesmo de saída. Finalmente. Amém.
(O carro, certamente, deve pertencer a alguém que depende desesperadamente de uma boquinha do desgoverno petralha. E se depender da “força do povo”, ela não tem a menor chance.)

At this point in time, it is simply unbelievable to see something like this, but the sticker on the window’s car reveals without a doubt that Dilma Rousseff, the “Woman-Sapiens”, the “Cassava Queen”, with her amazing 7,7% approval rate, is really on her way out. Finally. Amen.
(The car certainly belongs to someone who desperately depends on the petralha un-government to survive. And… if Dilma needs the “people’s power”, as the sticker says, she doesn’t stand a chance.)

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A Dívida Escondida
The hidden debt

A informação vem da coluna “Diário do Poder”, do xará Claudio Humberto: na prestação de contas que deverá ser rejeitada pelo Tribunal de Contas da União, o desgoverno da Rainha da Mandioca “escondeu” dívidas de 270 milhões de reais junto a bancos oficiais. Foi uma tentativa de camuflar ou de “apagar as provas” do crime de pedaladas fiscais, que consiste em fazer dos bancos oficiais financiadores de programas sociais do governo. Esse é um crime punido pela Lei de Responsabilidade Fiscal. O crime das pedaladas é tão claro, para os técnicos e ministros do TCU, que não há clima para nem sequer uma “aprovação com ressalvas.” Um defensor do desgoverno no TCU tenta convencer os colegas a substituir a palavra “rejeição” por outra mais amena. No entanto, o tribunal pretende usar a rejeição das contas da Mulher-Sapiens para demonstrar independência. O desgoverno petralha alega que as pedaladas são praticadas desde 1992. Só que, de lá para cá, surgiu a Lei de Responsabilidade Fiscal.

The information comes from the “Power Daily” column, from my namesake Claudio Humberto: in the accounting to be rejected by the TCU (the Brazilian equivalent to the U.S. General Accounting Office), the (un)administration of the Cassava Queen “hid” debts in the amount of 270 million reais (roughly 85 million dollars) from official banks. It was an attempt to mask or to “erase the evidences” of the crime of illegal fiscal maneuvers — more specifically, the use of money from official banks to finance the (un)government’s social programs. This is a crime punished by the Fiscal Responsibility Act. This crime is so clearly demonstrated in the balance sheets that, according to technicians and justices of the Brazilian GAO, there is not even a chance of approving the accounting “with reservations”. One of the TCU justices in tune with the (un)administration has been trying to convince his colleagues to replace the word “rejection” by some other expression considered less harsh. However, the court intends to use the rejection of the Woman-Sapiens accounting to demonstrate its independence. The petralha (un)administration claims that the illegal maneuvers have been in place since 1992, but it (conveniently) forgets the creation of the Fiscal Responsibility Act, though.

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A Ameaça Militar da Venezuela Bolivariana
Bolivarian Venezuela’s military threat

Diante da iminente queda do desgoverno de Dilma, a Bonequinha de Luxo, Mulher-Sapiens, Rainha da Mandioca (são tantos os títulos honoríficos…) e do completo desaparecimento do PT como força política, surgem as ameaças de ação militar bolivariana em defesa da quadrilha atualmente instalada no Palácio do Planalto. O Blog do Lessa flagrou um treinamento do exército venezuelano, que se prepara para entrar em ação caso haja mudanças no comando da política brasileira.

Along with reports of the imminent demise of Dilma’s (the Hepburn from Hell, the Woman-Sapiens, the Cassava Queen — oh, so many honorary titles…) un-government and of the complete obliteration of the Workers Party as a viable political force, there are now threats of bolivarian military action to defend the criminal gang currently occupying the Planalto Palace. The Lessa Blog caught some Venezuelan military in training as they get ready to take action if, indeed, there are any real changes in Brazilian politics.

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Rui: Falcão ou Barata?
Rui: Falcon or Cockroach?

rui2Segundo Lauro Jardim, da coluna Radar (Veja), a reunião que Rui Falcão teve com a bancada do PT no Senado Federal, na noite de segunda-feira, logo depois do encontro com Dilma, a Rainha da Mandioca, no Palácio da Alvorada, só serviu para uma coisa: acabou com a dúvida sobre Falcão estar ou não perdido nessa crise. Segundo um senador, a impressão passada pelo presidente do PT é de que estaria havendo um tremendo barata-voa na direção do partido.

According to Radar’s Lauro Jardim (Veja magazine), the meeting held by Workers Party president Rui Falcão with the PT members of the Senate on Monday evening, soon after the conversation he had with Dilma, the Cassava Queen, at the Dawn Palace served for one thing only: it eliminated any doubts about Falcão being totally lost in this crisis. One senator told Veja’s  Radar column that Falcão gave the impression that the party management is in a complete, absolute mess.

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Não se Engane: Acabou
Don’t be fooled: it’s over

Nada como almoçar com quem sabe das coisas e tem acesso às pessoas certas. A verdade é que, para todos os efeitos e apesar das bravatas de fim-de-festa de nossa Rainha da Mandioca, a farra acabou para ela e sua gang petralha. As conversas entre políticos agora só tratam de cargos a serem ocupados no pós-Dilma. Já existe até um ministério paralelo com nomes de peso, aguardando a posse, depois dessa transição lá não muito silenciosa. Tudo depende agora de como se dará a negociação entre PMDB, que empurra a Mulher-Sapiens para o abismo, e o PSDB, a dolente Oposição de Sofá que gostaria de ver tudo cair no seu colo sem o mínimo esforço. As negociações entre os dois partidos seguem em três vertentes: o apoio do PSDB a um próximo governo Temer, desde que somente a Bonequinha de Luxo caia fora; o apoio do PMDB a um eventual governo tucano, que chegaria ao Planalto após a cassação do diploma da chapa Dilma-Temer; e finalmente, um acerto entre PMDB-PSDB diante de uma eleição geral a ser convocada a partir do impeachment de Dilma e Temer.

Nothing like having lunch with the right people, those who are in the know and have access to the “right” people. The truth of the matter is that, for all practical purposes and despite the last-minute bravado by the Cassava Queen, the party is over for her and the rest of the petralha gang. Talks among politicians now are dealing only with posts to be filled during the post-Dilma. There is a parallel cabinet, already, with names defined for each cabinet seat, just waiting the end of this not-so-silent transition. All depends now on the negotiations between PMDB, the party pushing the Woman-Sapiens over the cliff, and PSDB, the lazy Sofa Opposition that would love to see everything falling on its lap with no effort on its part whatsoever. Negotiations between the two parties follow three leads: 1. the PSDB support to a Temer administration, as long as only the “Hepburn from Hell” is thrown out; 2. the PMDB support to a possible tucano (PSDB) administration that would fill in the gap after the Dilma-Temer presidential diploma is legally voided; and 3. an understanding between PMDB and PSDB to share the spoils if a general election is held three months after the Dilma-Temer impeachment.

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O Acaso Não Existe
“Random” does not exist

dolor3Certamente você já viu a Rainha da Mandioca, Mulher-Sapiens, em diversas situações onde a única saída minimamente compreensível seria a internação imediata num manicômio judiciário. As frases ditas por ela estão por toda a parte, sendo a do “cachorro atrás de uma criança”, talvez, a mais famosa e emblemática.
Pois bem agora, o Blog do Lessa, num furo exclusivo de reportagem, descobriu que o destrambelhamento mental da Bonequinha de Luxo tem raizes genéticas. Ex-vizinhos da sua casa, no bairro de São Pedro, em Belo Horizonte, onde Dilma “Devassa” Rousseff viveu na juventude, mantêm vivas até hoje as recordações da chamada “Casa do Piano”. Assim era chamada a casa da ex-presidente da República em exercício. A impressão dos ex-vizinhos era de que progenitora de Dilma “era, em geral, meio tan-tan”. Nota: o Blog do Lessa não pôde verificar essa condição de maneira independente.
Os relatos dão conta de que, durante o dia, a casa permanecia silenciosa. À noite, no entanto, a mãe da Rainha da Mandioca começava a tocar piano — e, segundo os testemunhos, tocava bem, especialmente peças clássicas. O problema é que ela tocava a noite inteira, perturbando o sono dos vizinhos. Daí veio o apelido “Casa do Piano”. Agora, portanto, já se tem uma pista sobre a falta de parafusos na cabeça da chefe interina da Orcrim.

You must have seen several situations where the Cassava Queen, a.k.a. Woman-Sapiens, would only have one way out: immediate admission to a state-controlled mental hospital. All the crazy sentences she has uttered are everywhere — perhaps the most famous and emblematic so far could be the one about “the dog behind the child.”
Well… now The Lessa Blog has discovered and brings the information to you, exclusively, that the “Hepburn from Hell’s” mental screw-ups may have genetic basis. Former neighbors of the home where Dilma “Devassa” Rousseff used to live as a young girl, at the Sao Pedro borough in Belo Horizonte (Minas Gerais state), remember to this day the so-called “Piano House.” That’s how the the former president in exercise’s home was called. The general impression was that Dilma’s mother “had a few screws missing.” It should be noted that The Lessa Blog has not been able to verify that fact independently.
Former neighbors report that during the day, the house was usually silent. At night, however, the Cassava Queen’s mother started to play the piano. According to witnesses, she played it very well, especially classical music. The problem was that she kept playing the whole night long, disturbing the neighbors’ sleep. That’s how the nickname “Piano House” came up. Therefore, now one can have a solid clue about the number of screws missing in Dilma’s head.

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Você Não Verá Isso na TV – 1
You Won’t See This on TV – 1

Essa foi a recepção que a Mulher-Sapiens, nome científico de Dilma “Devassa” Rousseff — a.k.a. Bonequinha de Luxo ou Rainha da Mandioca, teve de brasileiros nos Estados Unidos. Claro, as redes de TV aberta não mostraram, mas o Blog do Lessa está aí para preencher esse vazio para você, mantendo-o(a) bem informado(a).

This was the reception that the Woman-Sapiens, scientific name given to Dilma “Devassa”* Rousseff — a.k.a. Hepburn from Hell** or Cassava Queen***, had from Brazilians in the United States. Your TV’s regular programming didn’t show it, of course, but The Lessa Blog is here to fill in the blanks for you, so that you stay on top of what’s happening.

For those outside Brazil not knowing what the hell is going on around the country:
*She has been nicknamed “Devassa” because this is a brand of beer that matches former president Lula’s nickname (“Brahma”) discovered during the Car Wash investigations.
**Hepburn from Hell? This was because she stayed for a couple of nights at a St. Regis hotel suite in NYC for only… 11 thousand dollars a night.
***She has been nicknamed Cassava Queen (and Woman-Sapiens) for her most recent LSD-like statements in front of an audience. You can see two videos about this if you go down the blog’s timeline.

 

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